Earlier this month, Mr. Right became Mr. Left. As in, left me out of the blue.
I'm still reeling, but in the meantime I've dropped something in the neighborhood of 10 pounds, and have started training again in earnest. It's good for trying to take my mind off things, and preparing for the inevitable round of Dating Again (which I'm really, REALLY not looking forward to. I'm picky and I was happy, dammit. Where am I going to find another intelligent, attractive brewing heathen medievalist with a taste for atmospheric black metal, hikes and skee-ball dates who shares my existential/nihilist, misanthropic outlook and isn't a complete a-hole and makes me laugh like an idiot and light up like the sun? I digress. The doc says I just need more Zoloft.) And I know while I was with him I stopped working out regularly, drank more beer, stopped planning... about 15 pounds crept up on me over the course of the relationship. But it's done, and I know what I need to do.
As if that wasn't enough, my sister is recently engaged and I'll be shopping for a bridesmaid dress sometime next spring and I'll be damned if I'm not going to look fabulous.
Here's my plan of attack:
- Eat clean, stick to around 1200 cal/day if I can manage it.
This part can be tricky because I drown my sorrows with a friend on Thursdays, which involves about 3 drinks and sometimes pizza and cookies. I will make up for it with:
- Lift heavy, alternate top half/bottom half
I've never been able to stick with a split plan like this but after quitting Kung Fu (I loved it but the tuition is expensive, and I'm going to need a new wardrobe) I think it shouldn't be too difficult.
- HIIT
High intensity interval training. Every other day or something like that. On the days I'm not killing myself with sprints, I'll be doing a run/walk program to get myself back up to running 2+ miles in a go without puking.
- Have a plan
I haven't been writing this down, but every night I've been thinking about what I am going to do the next day - what I'll eat, how I'll train, and when - to keep myself on track. I've already gained a tad bit of weight back due to a bad start to the week - I didn't want to eat and ended up just shoving whatever looked like food into my mouth to keep myself going. Peanut M&Ms, popcorn, beer. Whatever, it was just a few days.
The important thing to remember about those little lapses are they're LAPSES. You do it, you acknowledge it, you forgive yourself, learn from it, and you get back on track. That can probably be applied to issues in relationships too, and yes, I'm going to go there. You're going to have ups and downs, and true character shows when you pick it up and don't let it stay down and keep striving for something better, keep learning from how you interact with others.
It's not a crisis if you don't work out for a few days, don't have a perfect diet or... don't have a perfect relationship. It becomes a crisis when you ignore what needs to happen - what you need to do, and how, to take care of yourself and to take care of a relationship. You don't plan or you don't communicate, you don't bother to get back on track, and it's doomed. Sometimes you need feedback to realize you're off track - your pants don't fit, the scale has gone up. Communication provides that essential feedback within a relationship and when it's lacking, things cannot get fixed because half of the couple might not know there's something wrong.
The grass is always greener where you water it. Anywhere you mindfully put in the effort you WILL see improvement. This applies to nearly everything in life and love.
You're working out and your form is bad, always has been? Keep going, find out how to correct it. Your're slow and always have been? Keep going, you will get faster. You have no endurance? Keep going, you can train up to it. You fall in love and you're a jealous girl, and it hurts your boyfriend? Keep going, mean it when you say you're sorry and learn how to not be. Your girlfriend has some baggage but is otherwise an awesome person with lots to give? Keep going, she'll learn how to leave it behind if she loves you - and if she's earnestly working on it, yeah that's a good sign that she loves you and she loves herself enough to want to keep things positive and become a better person. The best and worst thing about life is that nothing is permanent, and almost anything can change for the better.
I don't believe that there's one perfect person out there for me who I'm going to get along with effortlessly. I'm a realist. When you love someone, because you are so close and spending a lot of time with that person you are going to sometimes butt heads and sometimes you are going to disagree and it's going to hurt because you allow yourself to become vulnerable to that person. However, if you fall in love with someone, there's likely something there that means something to you, that's special and rare, and that's worth putting in the effort to keep because when you get along (which should be most of the time), things are awesome.
When it gets down to it, we're social animals, nobody enjoys being lonely and relationships take work, but if you love the other person, or did at one point, the effort is worth it. Unless they've done something truly reprehensible (cheat, steal, kill, maim), you can love them again. Being healthy takes work, but the effort is worth it. The human body is very forgiving if you give it what it needs - healthy food and exercise. You stick out the rough workouts because you know something better will come of it. You can learn to love yourself again. The heart can be forgiving too.
Mr. Right doesn't understand the last few paragraphs? Keep going, he'll either figure it out or he won't. He'll want to make it work if he loves you. YOU know you're worth it; if he doesn't, all it means is he doesn't love you, which is too damn bad for him, and frees you up for someone who does understand it's not all pancakes and cuddles, but will stick it out because the pancakes and cuddles are damn good, and there's nobody else with whom he'd rather share the good times, and who knows that you'll find the lesson in the bad and take it to heart to make yourself a better person. Someone who will tell you you're beautiful and maybe give you flowers (even if he had to pick them). And if he's really lucky, Mr. Right will realize his mistake before it's too late.
In either case, if you keep making the same mistakes, even if you always fix them them afterward, you'll just get stuck in a cycle - you won't make any progress.
Keep going, keep going.
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